Stuck

As I sit to write this down, it’s already late Sunday evening, and the Monday corporate alarms have already started going off in the back of my head.

It’s funny, even though this is not how I imagined my life to be, it has become that. And I don’t hate it, per se. I rather love it, the rush, the movement, the planning and the execution. I have been able to develop a part of my personality which I knew needed to be developed, in a much guided way than I could possibly imagine.

My Mondays are now Sunday evenings. My Fridays are now Saturday mornings. Weekend starts post noon on a Saturday and end on Sunday afternoon. And that’s okay, since I’ve never been a weekend person before. I’ve never felt the need to look for two days of freedom. But then I wasn’t working in a corporate before now, was I?

It feels like I’m stuck. I’m stuck between what I want and how I want it. It feels like there are 2 personalities within me, one gunning to be the best there ever is, taking on everyone / everything in life, and proving himself / his worth every single day. The constant fight to prove yourself that you’re enough. That you deserve this. That you can do this. That there is nothing that you can’t do. It feels like a rush, like being on a drug when you’re high on adrenaline, and you just want to show the world what you’re capable of.

The other brother, on the contrary, is a child, who wants to do things at his pace. Who wants to learn new things, at his own time, at his own leisure. Who wants to live a life that is just about living. The passion will and the fight will still be there, but no run for money, no dash for cash, no game for fame. Just a life where my essentials are taken care of and I live fulfilling the purpose of life that makes the heart happy, and let’s me sleep with no stress.

I feel like I’m running through life. I’m in hurry to reach somewhere. I got so much to do and I’ve got only so many hours in a day. I’m never satisfied.

Both of these personalities are me. I want to be both. I want to have what both want. I’ve always wanted to be more than what I can be, and then more. I have this pathological need to know everything. To control everything. To be a part of everything so that I can make it better. To contribute. I’m already living in tomorrow even before today ends. One part of me thinks that’s the way to live life, the other thinks that I’m losing my today for this. Who do I listen to?

To quote Billy Joel:

Slow down, you crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
It’s all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?